the champions of eternity

Rocket-Powered Sultan Declares Eternal Victory

2009-05-08T13:25:00.000-07:00

Today, Habib Junior, Jr. III, alias the Rocket-Powered Sultan, declared in a national press conference, "I am the Eternal Victor of the Champions of Eternity. None shall overcome me, and none shall fight me unless they want to suffer the consequences."

Asked about the United States President Barack Obama's alleged interest in sending surges to Pakistan for its mineral-rich land, Habib Junior, Jr. III replied, "I have no interest in foreign affairs at this time. Pakistan and the United States are of no interest. The only interesting thing is me and my status as Eternal Victor of the Champions of Eternity. NONE SHALL QUESTION MY DECISION!"

The Rocket-Powered Sultan to date has not actually fought with or defeated a single combattant. When asked by reporters about whether he was aware that Illumibody-slam was still reigning champion of the last super ultimate heavyweight decision, he simply responded, "That is not my problem. The fate of Earth or pseudo-spiritualist cult groups are not my problem. They are of no interest, whatsoever. You must pay attention to the fact that I - and I alone - am reigning champion. Do you hear me world? The fight is over! The Rocket-Powered Sultan is the winner! If anybody thinks they can defeat me, they are mistaken, and I challenge them all at once to present themselves!"

With that, the Rocket-Powered Sultan blasted off, presumably to claim the Champions of Eternity belt at Champions of Eternity headquarters, despite the fact that it was - at the time of his speech's conclusion - after office hours.

The victor revealed!

2008-10-02T21:56:00.001-07:00

Is this the end for Illumibody-slam?

2008-01-10T18:42:00.000-08:00

Is this the end for Mother Earth?

2007-12-13T18:20:00.001-08:00

page 2 of the fight

2007-11-29T22:27:00.001-08:00

Illumi vs. Gaia page 1

2007-11-17T13:16:00.000-08:00

This just in:

Gaia Answers!

2007-10-08T13:41:00.000-07:00

This interview was conducted Thursday.

Maxeem: I'm here with Earth, and she has something to explain to Illumibody-slam. What's up, ma?

Gaia: Blub blublub blub blub

M: What's that? I can't understand what you're saying.

G: [psychically] You can't hear me speak English. I'm a planet.

M: [flustered] Sorry, let me turn on the mic's psychic translator device.

G: I am already quite weary of the verbal assault by Illumibody-slam, and so I did not respond immediately to his challenge.

M: You're saying you're not a coward then? WOOPS! Did I say that out loud? OH no, I'm thinking it ...

G: Unlike the creatures that walk among me, as immortal as they claim to be, I have a very good grasp of super abilities, and so I do not think so many negative thoughts as you humans do. However, I respect your opinion that I am a coward.

M: Yeah yeah shut up and get to the point you fat b*tch ... oh sh*t, I didn't meant to think that - can you turn that thing off, please?

G: I will turn it off shortly. I have only this to say: I can see clear through your lies, Illumi, clearer than you are capable of fearing. I have waited until you have forgotten the challenge you spoke of in order to address it: I shall give you the spanking that you have requested. See you in the ring.

M: Tough words! Tough words ... for a woma- god-dammit-give-me-that-microphone!!!

FIGHT #3

2007-10-05T13:14:00.000-07:00

Here it is folks, the chilling conclusion to the first bracket of competitors!

FIGHT #2

2007-09-30T21:40:00.000-07:00

Round 1 of the tournament begins here!

2007-09-24T18:01:00.000-07:00

MAZZATELLO takes on el SBOTTARR´e

get ready for a new challenger!

2007-09-24T06:52:00.000-07:00

The HOUND of HATE AWAITS!

2007-09-22T15:33:00.000-07:00

commander occuloid scrooge of the seven solar systems AWAITS!

2007-09-18T12:10:00.002-07:00

Illumibody-slam speaks!

2007-09-14T15:41:00.000-07:00

This interview was conducted on Tuesday.

Maxeem: Hello. This is Maxeem for Champions of Eternity, and I'm here with Illumibody-slam, the newest contender in the Tournament. Hello, sir, what can you tell us about yourself and why you're joining the fray?

Illumibody-slam: Hail Satan! This is a challenge from Illumibody-slam, the leader of the Illuminati. You might think that I am named after my secret organization, but you'd be wrong. It's the other way around. That's right, I'm 900 years old. What of it? The great Master Yabulah, Lord of Lies is my puppet, and I told him to make me immortal. So here I am, unbeatable.

M: So, IBS. Can I call you that?

IBS: Sure.

M: What exactly attracted you to this arena? Why do you look so angry?

IBS: I've decided it's time for a change around here. I've run this damn thing for 228 years, and I've had it up to here with the boy scouts and the hippie ceremonies. I don't care if your Skull Club is eating a baby, if you're doing it in a cloak in the forest, and winking at each other, you're a bunch of goddamn absurd two-bit goons.

M: Now, there have been rumors - I won't say where - that you've been gunning up the space program to excuse your work on a fake alien invasion in 2012 to unite the world in fear and accept New World Order's microchip implants. Is there any truth to that?

IBS: That's a damned lie! I never planned any of that crap; the whole thing got away from me when the greys landed in '54 and took over the damn thing. When I find out who said I started the real alien s--t -- anyway, it was never my plan. I'm just sick of all this p-ssy-footing around. I want some meat!

M: So you're essentially saying that you're abandoning your loyal following? All to get some fighting action? Hasn't orchestrating every war since Napoleon been enough bloodshed for you?

IBS: No. No, I don't care that my Catholics and Zionists and Freemasons and Rotaries and Orders of Unicorns or what-have-you have been preserving my codes and ceremonies for a millenia. I'm done with it. War? Bulls--t! You think the reptillians need help feasting on humanity? I don't care how many 'brotherhood' genes they've put in you, you're next down their gullets, dummy! Get over yourselves. Go home to your sad wives and young male lovers. It's over. Now I have something to say!

[At this point, the microphone was rudely grabbed away from me and we had to cut out the program, but he managed to spout this.]

IBS: I don't need any of that s--t, anymore. Secrecy is the coward wave of the past. F-ck that cabalistic owl-c--t worshipping s--t! I'm takin' the world on, right here, right now. So what is it then? Where are you, Gaia? It's time to get bizay. You think you can take me with your bulls--t New Agers and Orgonite energy boxes? LET'S GO! I'LL SEE YOU IN THE RING!